I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
