Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
