so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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