so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
