Dude my mom stole all your condoms
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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