When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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