Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize