He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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