I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
