You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
