last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
someone owes me an orgasm
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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