Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
