Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
