do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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