it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
