I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She's the barista slut.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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