when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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