Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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