Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
