she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
