I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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