at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
