If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
