can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
