Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Randomize