hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
