I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
