you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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