remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
