i think my tv is drunk
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
