I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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