He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
