i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
