Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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