I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize