If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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