I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
