there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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