remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
