Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
