There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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