First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
