I need to stop coming to work sober
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
