Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize