I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Randomize
