In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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