I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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