the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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