that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
