it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
