I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
