Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
what day is it and did you see me today?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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