Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
