I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
