mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
