Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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