So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
