i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
