Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
