her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
