I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize