I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
