why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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