Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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