Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
