High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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