how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
