So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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