i barfeds in our rink
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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