a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
