Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
