I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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