so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
