Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I cut my penus on the lid.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
