I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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